Due in part to the positive feedback I received on “Airport Amateurs”, in part because there is so much nonsense that happens in an airport, and the fact that I'll be taking a transatlantic flight this Friday (March 13 if you aren't sure which Friday I'm talking about), I have decided to post a sequel to the other half of Airport Amateurs: The Airport Assholes.
The airport assholes are namely everyone in an airport that wears an ID badge around their neck: TSA agents, airline personnel, and airport employees. These people are probably the most miserable people in existence. And rightly so - they work at an airport!
In a slightly different layout then before, I will bullet the class of asshole and provide a brief description.
The Gate Agent – This is the person that could have been Hilter’s number two if given the opportunity. They are easily the biggest gaping assholes at the airport. They hate work, people and pretty much everything that life has to offer – they are the face and customer service of the airline industry. Gate agents are there to make sure you have the worst possible travel experience possible. Running a little late to your flight? They’ll make sure your seat was given to someone else. Trying to switch out of your middle seat on the plane? Go fuck yourself. Attempting to get on standby? They’ll make sure you don’t get on stand-by AND they’ll give up your seat on the original flight. Gate agents beat their children.
The TSA Agent – TSA agents are nothing more than bouncers with a uniform. They try and act like BSDs (Big Swinging Dicks) cause they can tell you to do stuff before you walk through a metal detector. Instead of really looking for terrorists, they are busy combing an old lady with a metal hip using their metal detector wand.
“Oh, you want to grope me because I was acting with insubordination? That’s fine, I’ll take my shoes off…I’ll remove metal objects and place them in tray. But guess what? When I get through security, I’m leaving the 4 trays I used for YOU to collect.”
The Ticketing Agent – I have never met such an inept group of monkeys. The job requirements of this position are to stand in front of a computer, check people in or help those that have ticketing issues. In reality, most cannot speak a lick of English and act like they have never interacted with a computer before.
Traveler: “Um...yes, my flight got cancelled. Can you please get me on the next available flight?”
Ticket Agent: “Hold on, sir, let me see what I can do.”
They’ll spend the next 15 minutes typing away like they are transcribing courtroom proceedings. Then they will pull another ticket agent away from someone checking in, to assist them in arbitrarily pointing to the computer screen - all in a concerted effort that concludes with them telling you that the system is not allowing them to issue any tickets, and that you’ll have to go to the gate for a ticket. What they really mean is they are too retarded to work the application which is the cornerstone of their job, and that you’ll have to try your luck with the gate agent. If you already forgot, please see above as to what you can expect from the gate agent. Side note: Why is the system that the gate agents use different than what the ticketing agents use?!
The Golf Cart Drivers – These are the folks that cart cripples and beached whales around the airport. They are usually clocking 25 in a 1, honking like crazy and willing to clip any motherfucker that gets in their way. These people have the audacity to think that WE ARE THE ASSHOLES because we are not walking backwards to see them coming. Its like a Hollywood movie where there’s a high speed chase in a bustling market.
Restaurant/Hudson News Workers – These people are just assholes for charging $3 for gum, $4 for Aquafina (toilet water) and having a dollar menu at McDonalds that only consists of the apple pie.
Airport Information – These people know their way around the airport no better than you or me. If you have never asked a question at the airport information booth, do it next time. I promise, you will walk away shaking your head and grimacing from disbelief at the complete incompetence.
Baggage loaders – You don’t typically interact verbally with these folks, but you interact with them visually: out of the window at the gate or perhaps from your window seat on the plane. These guys make it a point to completely fuck up your luggage. If you check-in you luggage brand new, you better believe you are going to get it on the other end with bent or missing zippers, the “ballistic” nylon on your suitcase slashed, or if you’re really lucky, your shit just straight up disappears. I have a gash on my rollerboard that could only have been made with a deliberate swipe of a box cutter.
Flight Attendants – In all honestly, this is a crap shoot. Some flight attendants are really cool and give you beer or a mini vodka for free. Other times, whether male or female, they act like they had bad buttsex the night before and are determined to take it out on you. Namely, by crushing your elbow, foot or head with the drink cart. And to really piss you off, they’ll ask you to please move said body part AFTER they’ve given you the free contusion.
The Pilot - The leader of the aircraft, the one person who decides if you’re going to live or die today. This guy is usually on his high horse because he is king of the vessel. Below is a slight dramatization of the pilot’s speech from my last flight. "This is your Captain speaking; we'd like to thank you choosing (insert shitty airline here) to fly to Tampa today. We should be landing in Tampa at 3:52.p.m, but don't hold me to that because I've been drinking Old Crow Whiskey and snorting lines since 9:00 a.m. I'm so lifted right now I couldn't even tell you my gender. Our cruising altitude today is going to be around 35,000 feet and winds are moving south to southwest. Not like you proletariat back in coach even care about this shit. When the fasten seat belt sign is off, feel free to move about the cabin, but while it’s on, keep your asses in the fucking seats. Now would be a good time to turn off your iPods, laptops and vibrators, for you whores out there. Even though these electronic devices have no bearing whatsoever on the success of the take off or landing, we want to be sure that you are completely alert should this plane go down. We at (less than reputable airline name) would feel terrible if you were to die on this aircraft and you missed all the fright filled action because you were sleeping to the sweet sounds of James Taylor. Also, you should be aware that if something goes awry, you will likely die. Because lets face the facts, we have nothing but mountain ranges in front of us and the whole Sully Sullenberg thing was a one-off. Now sit back and enjoy the flight, and thanks again for flying with (Bankrupt airline name)."
The Taxi Stand Attendants – Thank you for pointing me to a cab directly in front of my face. I could not have undertaken the task without you.
And finally, just a random funny picture: