The most vile commercially-produced drinks available for consumption

I consider myself one that is pretty open to all types of beverages – both alcoholic and non-alcoholic.  However, the powers that be in research and development have developed some beverages that for some reason continue to stay on the market*, even though they are the equivalent of drinking piss from the source. 

Here are my top five worst commercially produced drinks, but feel free to comment on your own:

Patron Coffee – WHAT?!  When I first saw this at a bar, I thought I was really drunk and hallucinating.  But I was not.  I love patron and I love coffee, but I drink each at opposite times of the day.  Why would anyone want tequila flavored coffee (Editor: or is it coffee flavored tequila)?  Don’t get me wrong, adding liquor to coffee, like baileys or Jameson, can be great – but tequila?  Uh, no thank you.   Silver, reposado and anejo…the only ways tequila should be produced.

Smirnoff Ice – This drink is just plain gross.  Drinking Smirnoff Ice will definitely furnish you with type II diabetes before getting you drunk.  Makers of alcoholic beverages do not typically list the ingredients on the label, but if they did, here is what the ingredients of Smirnoff Ice would be: Corn Syrup, sugar, glucose, fructose, sucrose, Mexican unfiltered tap water, yellow #5, citrus flavor, a teaspoon of our disgusting smirnoff vodka.

Sparks – This is an energy beer (I like to refer to it as “benergy”) produced by MillerCoors that brings the goodness of beer and an energy drink….TOGETHER!  I guess no one at corporate realizes that these two liquids should be treated as MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE!  This combination reminds me of a Jim Gaffigan standup routine where he talks about the nastiness of fruitcake.

 

Gaffigan explains that he doesn’t fully understand why fruitcake is so nasty because he says that, “Fruit…..good.  Cake…..GREAT!  Fruitcake…..nasty crap.”  Same holds true for Sparks.  Energy drink…..good.  Beer….GREAT!  Sparks – nasty crap! 

Here is the mathematical equation I deduced to come up with the taste of the Sparks combination: Beer + Energy Drink = college kid’s vomit.

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper – It’s already bad enough that Dr. Pepper’s commercials compare regular Diet Dr. Pepper to eating dessert.  But, the creators of the soda that already claims to have “23 flavors” in one can, had to take it one step further.  Instead of letting people mess around on their own, mixing flavors at the soda fountain machine like little kids, Dr. Pepper had to add more flavors on his own to give us the taste of drinking carbonated diabetes – AAAAAND and a name that, if included a verb, would be a complete sentence.  Another example of if it ain't broke, DON'T FIX IT!

Miller Chill – Hey, I got an idea!  Since there is nothing wrong with Miller Light, we should change it up!  Let’s take Miller Light and ruin the flavor by adding imitation lime and salt flavor to it!  I’m paraphrasing, but whatever schmuck who spoke these words at Miller R&D should have been fired on the spot with zero severance (editor: in addition to having the tires of their PT Cruiser slashed).  

According to the website, “Miller Chill is a chelada-style light beer. A refreshing take on an authentic Mexican beer recipe with a hint of lime & salt. Miller Chill, Muy Refreshing!”  Really? A refreshing take?  What Mexican beer recipe has lime and salt in it?!  My definition of a refreshing take on an authentic Mexican beer recipe is taking REAL Mexican light beers, like Corona or Modelo Especial, and throwing them into a bucket of ice!  Miller…just gross, dudes.  Keep with your goddamn core competencies: MGD, Milla Lite, and High Life.  Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. 

 

Honorable mentions: protein drinks, sugar water (in the plastic barrel with foil cap), Mike’s hard lemonade, prune juice.

*Thankfully, Sparks was pulled from shelves in Q4, 2008.

Ridin' the Boob Tube with Poor Man's Caviar

I love TV and have a wealth of knowledge related to the topic.  I'm not sure what this says about me: Adam says it makes me a loser, my own mind says that it makes me a Cultural Historian.  I was reading up on some TV news the other day (yes, I do that) and learned that both Blossom and California Dreams have made it onto DVD.  That’s right, California Dreams, the Saturday morning show about surfers and laugh tracks and whatever else those breed of shows thrived upon.  These DVD releases fueled my desire to do a post on some other ridiculous TV shows that somehow got the green light.   

         Lost – I am definitely going to catch shit from Adam for this, considering he thinks this show is the greatest thing since Kinder Bueno bars (if you don’t know what these are, just cry for yourself).  I watched the show first season and really liked it actually: it was a smart fantasy show that played with our perception of reality and focused on the stories of unknowingly interrelated characters.  I couldn’t wait for the next season.  And then came the smoke monster.  And the hatch.  And the movie reel playing in the hatch that showed how to avert Armageddon by pushing a button.  And the death by spider attack.  And now the time traveling.  I am shocked to my core at how much people love this show.  I am all for pushing boundaries, but sweet lord, Lost fans, do you not realize that the show’s writers and creators are LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF AT YOU.  

This was really supposed to be a one-or-two season experimental show that turned into a money maker, so they have dragged this shit on, adding one ridiculous twist after another to keep you all in suspense.  My favorite defense of the show is “they (the creators) had a plan all along”.  Oh really?  Sorry guys, they didn't: they had to enter into negotiation every year, contract with the stars, deal with the networks and THEN go back to the writing room and figure out what the hell they were gonna do to keep the ridiculousness going for another season.  Goddamn you, polar bears, you started this all!  

2)      House of Payne­ – I have never seen this show.  I know that makes me totally unqualified to comment.  However, I believe that a show that looks like a less funny version of the Klump people movies just can’t be watchable.  It goes against the laws of nature.  At least throw some fat suits in there and give the people what they really want.

3)      The new 90210 – It pains me to write this, as I loved the original 90210.  The new version is SO unrealistic and nonsensical, that it had to be on the list.  Firstly, as has been noted by many a Hollywood commentator, the girls are so skinny that I’m genuinely surprised that they have the energy to film the show (I won’t get into a whole “it’s totally irresponsible and gross to put 80 pound girls on TV as sex symbols” but you know, it’s true).  Silver, the skinniest of them all with arms like bamboo shoots, is dating the cool black guy (I was going to call him Michael, the [much more awesome] character Tristan Wilds played on The Wire until I realized that’s not his name on this show so he gets to be “cool black guy”).  As far as I'm aware, the syndrome of men being attracted to walking corpses has been strictly limited to the Caucasian population, so this relationship really makes no sense.  Secondly, Jennie Garth is “back” as a school counselor and Tori Spelling (another malnourished, plastic breasted mutant) has returned.  Whoopee, I get to listen to painfully contrived “let’s catch up on old times and try to make our reappearance make sense” dialogue AND be reminded of how little career these ladies had since 1995.  What an uplifter!  And then there’s poor Jessica Walter, who so amazingly played Lucille Bluth on Arrested Development – on this show she relegated to being “crazy grandma”, a second banana to a bunch of moron 16 year olds.  SIGH.  I’m gonna go make a sandwich now… you 90210 cast, take care and good luck with the eating thing… it’s pretty fun once in a while.

4)      Charles In Charge – Ok ok, Scott Baio fans, before you get your panties in a bunch, I actually liked this show.  A lot.  Enough that I was super upset when Charles’ best friend from the show had to go on Celebrity Fit Club and ended up being a total psycho with a violence problem (seriously).  But the show could not be more nonsensical with regard to relationships.  We’re supposed to believe that this strict, uptight military father would hire a super hot, single, lecherous 20-something to “take care” of his 2 super hot blonde 15-16 year olds?  REALLY?  And then we’re also supposed to believe that Charles was able to pull ass CONSTANTLY while living in the basement of a house where he works as a fucking nanny?!   Umm no, Viacom, we’re all stocked up on bullshit here, thanks though. 

5)      Groomer Has It – The show is about grooming dogs.  That’s it.  Really.  A competition for money about who can cut a dachshund’s hair better than someone else.  TV execs are making money off of this.  Dog grooming.  Wow. 

I This is just the first in a two-part blog.  I know you will all be sitting on the edge of your seats for part 2!

Nice look....NOT!

We have all been made fun of a look that we’ve had or attempted to have.   These “looks” that I describe below are just complete nonsense and need to stop.

Rollerbladers – If you are a guy who Rollerblades, chances are, 9 out of 10 times, you enjoy taking walks on the brown side.  Nothing is funnier than seeing some overweight guy attempting to Rollerblade.  Also is the “dude” who thinks that he is Anton Apollo Ono and is trying to weave through the west side highway or lake shore drive at 20 mph.  These are the same guys that used to try and get girls (or other guys) at the skating rink (editor: They still do, actually). 

Athletic Gear Wearers – NEWSFLASH: Wearing athletic gear won’t make you in better shape!  Male or female, if you wear a cutoff shirt and mesh shorts, your gut does not disappear!  This phenomenon is not specific to NY.   Anywhere you go you see people who attempt to get into shape by wearing “athletic gear”.  Under Armour doesn’t make your fat go away, it just accentuates it.  Try this: bring your athletic gear to the gym, then put it on, and get yo’self on the treadmill.  What also annoys me is overweight people that ride the stationary bike at the equivalent of 3 mph while reading the weekend Times.  C’mon, really?!  You’re only fooling yourself if you think you’re making a difference in your waistline.

Popped Collars – Yes, I know, everyone and their mother has made fun of this travesty.  However, why do people continue to do it?  It looks so cheesy to walk through city streets with your polo collar popped.  There are only two situations where I would say this is ok: 1) on a boat on a windy day (editor: I’M ON A BOAT MOTHERFUCKER!) and 2) if you are trying to hide a horrific scar located in the upper tertiary portion of your neck.   And don’t make it worse by wearing your hair like this:

High waisted jeans – I personally find this look on woman to be ugly.  To me it looks like someone trying to go after the whole Midwest “mom” look.  To me, it makes chicks look like the have asses that start at the small of their back giving them a 12-15 inch ass - SICK!!!! 

Long hair complemented with a full beard – I don’t know if this look has permeated to other parts of the country, but in NY, you see it almost daily.  The look: the white dude in his late 20s, early 30s that has grown out hair and a heavy beard not instigated for religious purposes.  It looks like a bastard creation of Charles Manson and ZZ Top.  Maybe guys want to copy Joaquin Phoenix’s crazed new look.  Why would anyone want to look like that (editor: maybe you’re just jealous that you can’t grow a beard in)?  And when I see some of these fellows running in the streets, all I can think is how their face must be extremely itchy and smell like crotch. 

On a related note, and what I would consider even a more nonsensical look, are the guys who make designs out of their facial hair:

...DOUCHE!

Leather Trench Coats – You would think that this look was immediately ruined after Columbine.  But no, you still see the faux pas that is the leather trench coat (sometimes worn by the aforementioned long hair with beard dudes).  My hope is that wearers of the leather trench are doing so because they cannot afford a decent jacket and were able to secure a leather trench at rock bottom liquidation prices.  Or perhaps that they are crazed Matrix fans and so desperately want to be Neo.

Overuse of Hair Products/Fake Tanning - This "look" category is pretty much self explanatory.  The look is so obnoxious and yet the bearers of this look are convinced it is cool.  

I would compare this to anorexics and how they perceive themselves as fat when they look in the mirror.   Excessively fake tanned and hair-gelled folks look in the mirror and see pure awesomeness.  For the rest of us, we see pure awfulness.

 

T-shirts Advertising a Location – I don’t know why, but I can’t stand when people wear t-shirts or hoodies of a city, place or island.  These sightings are especially rampant on cruise ships.  I cringe at the sight of seeing some person strolling about in a t-shirt embroidered with “St. Thomas” and complementary embroidered sailboats.  And after I wrote the above, look what I find online:

The rolling laptop bag to and from work– I know that people may do this because they have bad backs, but many just do it out of sheer laziness.  I really can’t tell you why, but it really bugs me.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve almost tripped over these things.  Or maybe it’s because I suspect that these folks purchased the bag from Skymall!  Often I find that the accused are those who are obese and should probably carry their bags for the added exercise.  Maybe I’m insensitive…or maybe I’M JUST EFFING RIGHT!

Last one, I PROMISE...

Fat chicks wearing tight clothes – At this point, you all probably think I’m the biggest asshole, but I need to briefly touch upon this area.  Ladies, if you are obviously overweight, don’t deny this fact to yourself by wearing skin tight clothes such as spandex, miniskirts, or lord forbid, a bikini.  I don’t understand how overweight women think its ok to look like a beached whale at the pool. 

Wear black that covers your body and makes you look slimmer.  There is no reason for me to have to confuse you with the Michelin man or worse, the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.  

A Letter to Somali Pirates

Dear Somali Pirates,       

I have to give you fellas credit.  How do you witness your fellow pirates get sniped by some bad ass Navy Seals (while the boat is bobbing in the water, nonetheless), and then decide it would be a good idea to, without delay, hijack another ship?!  Where is the motivation in that?  Call me a bitch, but if I saw someone in my line of work “get got” doing what I do for a living, I would be changing my line of work EEEEE-miately!  Maybe you should start farming?  I’m sure the people of your country could use more food.

Best Regards,

Poor Man’s Caviar

For the Love of God, Please Go Out of Business!

In this trying economy, many retailers are struggling for sales.  While we should all do our best to spur the economy, these five stores should be left to die (editor: how they are still around is a great mystery).   

In no particular order of ridiculousness:

Brookstone – Ahhh.  The store for you to throw money away on items you will use 1-5 times.  I have to imagine people go in thinking, “Oh wow, this is so clever!  A digital clock that doubles as a back massager and voice recorder!  Oh look!  A calculator that is also a water bottle!”   How Brookstone has not followed its retarded half-brother Sharper Image into bankruptcy is one of life’s mini mysteries.   I mean, not only are the items overpriced, but they’re cheap, and most of all, USELESS!  The only worthy items they sell are massage chairs - but even the massage chair concept comes with two major flaws: 1) the chairs are overpriced and can probably be purchased elsewhere for less and 2) how many people actually purchase the massage chair?  Its only good for massage usage, otherwise, when you sit in the chair, it feels like you are taking a couple knees and an elbow into the back.  Prediction: Brookstone does not make it through the economic downturn.

Skymall Catalog – For those of you who have ever flown on a plane, this is the catalog that is found behind the airline’s in-flight magazine.  Talk about a catalog that sells Brookstone-esque products on a massive scale.  The items sold in this catalog are nothing short of retarded.  Instead of actually describing the absurdities you can purchase (at ridiculously ripoff prices), I thought some visuals with descriptions from the ONLINE SITE would be better for you, the reader:

Branding Irons: For the low price of $80 you can have this gem.

Description: Create a personalized iron to brand your steaks, chicken and burgers and show your guests the pride you take in being a great chef! This 14" stainless steel branding iron has a red lacquered handle with a leather hand strap and features Heatbacker Letters designed to hold heat longer for more impressions before reheating. Specify up to 3 initials (A-Z and the &).

The portable desk: For $40 you can look like the world’s biggest nerd.  With this product you will all but be guaranteed a public beat down for the low price of $40…plus shipping/handling

Description: Poop Freeze is an easy, earth-friendly way to do your "dooty" and clean up after your dog. It chills animal waste to -62°F, creating an outer "crust" that enables you to quickly place in a bag and dispose. Makes picking up loose stool and diarrhea easier. Effective for all kinds of pets, including dogs, cats, birds, etc. Indoor or outdoor use. Safe for humans and pets when used as directed. 

POOP FREEZE?! HAHAHA…is this the next best thing to the va-poo-rizer?!  Who in their right mind is actually going to take this out with them on a dog walk?   And isn’t this basically compressed air that you can buy at Staples, but twice the price?!

 

Scrapbooking stores – I have never stepped into one of these stores, but the concept makes me want to shit my own pants.  When I was living in Chicago, there was a scrapbooking store about a block away from me.  I was glad to see that when I was in Chicago last, there was a sign that stated “retail space available”.  SHOCKER!

Hallmark – This also includes stores that sell Hallmark-like products.  Unfortunately for Hallmark stores, their worthiness dissipated when Beanie Babies went out of fad and basically every drug store started to carry cards (not to mention the Internet for e-cards).   I mean, why would you go to a Hallmark store?!  “Oh, honey, look! Hallmark.  Lets go in so I can by a few helium balloons, a floral stationary set and a stuffed animal or two!” 

New York Hot Dog and Coffee – Most of you have never heard of this place, because I believe there is only one and it is next door to where I live.  So let me give you a little 411 on this soon-to-be out of business establishment.  At NYHD&C, the combo meal consists of a Korean hot dog of your choosing, paired with coffee and a frozen yogurt.  I mean, really?!  I think the only other way to acquire swift diarrhea, is the consumption of a disproportionate amount of laxatives. 

And to make matters worse, check out what I found when finding a picture of this waste of space: http://nyc.everyblock.com/restaurant-inspections/by-date/2009/2/12/2015689/

 

And, if you need a lawyer, DO NOT GO HERE:

 

I'm sure there are plenty of other awful retail establishments.  Feel free to share in the comments section!

Board Games 101 - Xanax sold separately

Board games are always fun when drinking is involved.  I was recently part of a particularly rousing game of drinking Jenga that had me crying with laughter as well as hammered off my ass.  But the other night, when pondering how best to “spice up” a pregame, I realized that just because I add the adjective “drinking” before a game does not mean that was its intended use.  Most of these games were intended for children, not for grown ups (I use that term lightly) on their third vodka soda.  Most of us grew up with many games yet never thought about their real meanings or effects.  I examine some of the more popular games below. 

Operation – this game is straight up scary.  I remember that when I first opened the box, I cried because of the hideous patient staring out at me with a look of fear and extreme pain.  The guy on the game has a big red nose, is buck nekkid, and full of holes from head to toe.  The only time that should occur is if Homey the Clown were caught in gang war crossfire.  And what lesson is Operation supposed to be teaching?  I'm thinking maybe an overly zealous Asian parent, in an attempt to coerce his or her child into going to med school, came up with this game as an ingenious plot.  However, Operation doesn’t teach anyone shit about the body – it’s insanely confusing for an 8 year old.  For years after receiving the game, I thought a funny bone was real and was convinced that we all had an elusive “pencil” floating around in our bodies.  So way to go, Milton Bradley – you have helped raise generations of children who are confused by the anatomy and think the worst thing that happens if you mess up surgery is a buzzer going off.  I'm alerting the HMOs to your wrongdoing.

·         Hungry Hungry Hippos – This game involves no strategy, cooperation, or thinking ability.  It preys purely on children’s desire to smack something while exerting all of their ADD-fueled rage.  You can just imagine the scenario of how this game was born… picture it.  John, the game developer, had a tough day at the office back in 1985: he spilled coffee on his piano key necktie, locked his keys inside his Pinto, and realized his Def Leppard concert tickets were for LAST night instead of tonight.  To make matters worse, know-it-all Jameson just pitched an idea for something called “Battleship” that the bosses are going crazy over.  He goes home, throws on some Floyd, and lights one up, hating his life and The Hogan Family re-run that’s on TV.  “Think John!! What’s a good game idea? Oh I’m hungry...you know who else gets hungry? Kids!  So kids are hungry and they like beating the shit out of their toys… kids like colors too… I like colors!  Colors are radical.  No, focus!  Colorful toy, with hunger, and beating up something.  You know what’s totally boss, a pink hippopotam….I GOT IT!”  Then he goes to make himself a Fluffernutter.  And that, my friends, was my re-imagining of the birth of the dumbest game in history. 

     Guess Who - I loved this game as a child.  But upon reflection as an adult (kinda), it is easy to realize the ridiculousness of the game’s premise.  Firstly, they put only 3 women in a game with like 30 characters (and only one of them was a minority so you knew if you drew “Maria” it was over for you).  Secondly, the game totally promotes racism.  You knew if you got a black dude, someone was gonna ask the race question right away, so you just wanted to throw him back in the pile.  Do we think this might have

ve caused some kids to grow up wanting to throw black men back into the pile of life?  I'm just saying… and Thirdly, Guess Who makes kids lie to their friends.  If you lied, you could always, after you won of course, be like “ohhh I didn’t realize you meant ALL hats” or “that nose looks big to you? Really??” and so on, in order to beat your friend.  Oh, Guess Who creators, you bunch of racist, beret wearing, big nosed, A-holes.  I’ll see you in hell.

·         Monopoly – I know it’s kinda weird to include Monopoly on the list of ridiculous games.  But Monopoly truly holds a special place in the board game hall of fame, particularly for the sheer competitiveness it elicits from deep in the bowels of our souls.  The game is the penultimate expression of man’s desire to conquer, develop, and generally hold dominion over others.  Aside from the greed and control issues that Monopoly brings out in kids, I don’t know how I feel about this being marketed to children at all considering the latent hostility that surfaces during heated Monopoly matches.  Somehow things always go from “Who owns Reading Railroad?”, slowly progressing to, “Atlantic Avenue with 2 hotels, that’s 2Gs loser!” to “Bitch, you stole my snack pack!” and then “Guess what Curtis, no one likes you and you smell like feet!” finally ending wih the board being hurled or the pieces being shoved into each other’s orifices.

·         Perfection – Do you remember this box/puzzle/timed game with the theme song “Pop Goes

Perfection!”?  Well congratulations if you don’t, because Perfection is literally an anxiety attack in a box that probably contributed to among the most stressful times in a child’s elementary school years.  I still can’t look at that yellow piece board without getting the shivers and the feeling that in life, there’s somehow NEVER GOING TO BE ENOUGH TIME.  Even the name is stress invoking.  What a messed up gift to give a child.  It’s like, “Hey Julia, Happy Birthday!  Have fun with this game but make sure you know that everyone always expects PERFECTION from you, and anything less will result in pieces things flying towards your face as a buzzer sounds the alarm of your failure!”  I blame Perfection for both my latent anxiety and my fear of egg timers.

·         Sorry! –  Sorry! was responsible for making popular one of the most annoying ways of saying the word “sorry” possible.  It taught kids how to “apologize” in a way that was totally sarcastic, taunting, and insincere purely to piss off the other players.  The worst part for kids was that when you got a Sorry! card, it entitled you target the people you hate the most, sending them back to start with total disregard.  Sorry!, in this way, taught children the joys of gang mentality, winning at others’ expense, and taunting losers with a clever catchphrase.   Oh you didn’t think this entry was funny? Soooorrrrryyyyy (sticks out tongue).

    Twister – Ahhh, the budding date-rapists favorite party game.  Twister made millions of dollars taking advantage of creepy little boys’ desire to have an excuse to “fall” on the cute girl in class.  The game wasn’t even fun – it was kinda painful and one person had to sit on the side in order to be the spinner.  Who the hell wants to be the spinner besides a little future voyeur?  I see what you’re up to, Twister – creating a fan base for future porn markets.  I’m on to your pervy-ness, and I don’t like it.