Rollerbladers – If you are a guy who Rollerblades, chances are, 9 out of 10 times, you enjoy taking walks on the brown side. Nothing is funnier than seeing some overweight guy attempting to Rollerblade. Also is the “dude” who thinks that he is Anton Apollo Ono and is trying to weave through the west side highway or lake shore drive at 20 mph. These are the same guys that used to try and get girls (or other guys) at the skating rink (editor: They still do, actually).
Athletic Gear Wearers – NEWSFLASH: Wearing athletic gear won’t make you in better shape! Male or female, if you wear a cutoff shirt and mesh shorts, your gut does not disappear! This phenomenon is not specific to NY. Anywhere you go you see people who attempt to get into shape by wearing “athletic gear”. Under Armour doesn’t make your fat go away, it just accentuates it. Try this: bring your athletic gear to the gym, then put it on, and get yo’self on the treadmill. What also annoys me is overweight people that ride the stationary bike at the equivalent of 3 mph while reading the weekend Times. C’mon, really?! You’re only fooling yourself if you think you’re making a difference in your waistline.
Popped Collars – Yes, I know, everyone and their mother has made fun of this travesty. However, why do people continue to do it? It looks so cheesy to walk through city streets with your polo collar popped. There are only two situations where I would say this is ok: 1) on a boat on a windy day (editor: I’M ON A BOAT MOTHERFUCKER!) and 2) if you are trying to hide a horrific scar located in the upper tertiary portion of your neck. And don’t make it worse by wearing your hair like this:
High waisted jeans – I personally find this look on woman to be ugly. To me it looks like someone trying to go after the whole Midwest “mom” look. To me, it makes chicks look like the have asses that start at the small of their back giving them a 12-15 inch ass - SICK!!!!
Long hair complemented with a full beard – I don’t know if this look has permeated to other parts of the country, but in NY, you see it almost daily. The look: the white dude in his late 20s, early 30s that has grown out hair and a heavy beard not instigated for religious purposes. It looks like a bastard creation of Charles Manson and ZZ Top. Maybe guys want to copy Joaquin Phoenix’s crazed new look. Why would anyone want to look like that (editor: maybe you’re just jealous that you can’t grow a beard in)? And when I see some of these fellows running in the streets, all I can think is how their face must be extremely itchy and smell like crotch.
On a related note, and what I would consider even a more nonsensical look, are the guys who make designs out of their facial hair:
Leather Trench Coats – You would think that this look was immediately ruined after Columbine. But no, you still see the faux pas that is the leather trench coat (sometimes worn by the aforementioned long hair with beard dudes). My hope is that wearers of the leather trench are doing so because they cannot afford a decent jacket and were able to secure a leather trench at rock bottom liquidation prices. Or perhaps that they are crazed Matrix fans and so desperately want to be Neo.Overuse of Hair Products/Fake Tanning - This "look" category is pretty much self explanatory. The look is so obnoxious and yet the bearers of this look are convinced it is cool.
T-shirts Advertising a Location – I don’t know why, but I can’t stand when people wear t-shirts or hoodies of a city, place or island. These sightings are especially rampant on cruise ships. I cringe at the sight of seeing some person strolling about in a t-shirt embroidered with “St. Thomas” and complementary embroidered sailboats. And after I wrote the above, look what I find online:
The rolling laptop bag to and from work– I know that people may do this because they have bad backs, but many just do it out of sheer laziness. I really can’t tell you why, but it really bugs me. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve almost tripped over these things. Or maybe it’s because I suspect that these folks purchased the bag from Skymall! Often I find that the accused are those who are obese and should probably carry their bags for the added exercise. Maybe I’m insensitive…or maybe I’M JUST EFFING RIGHT!
Last one, I PROMISE...
Fat chicks wearing tight clothes – At this point, you all probably think I’m the biggest asshole, but I need to briefly touch upon this area. Ladies, if you are obviously overweight, don’t deny this fact to yourself by wearing skin tight clothes such as spandex, miniskirts, or lord forbid, a bikini. I don’t understand how overweight women think its ok to look like a beached whale at the pool.
Wear black that covers your body and makes you look slimmer. There is no reason for me to have to confuse you with the Michelin man or worse, the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.