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Most Nonsensical Secular Holidays

The holidays are a time for us to enjoy family, friends, presents and hopefully, time off from work.  However, there are those holidays which provide few if any of the aforementioned benefits.  In fact, there are holidays which are more annoying than anything else.  I decided to survey some of the secular holidays that I find to be complete nonsense. Some (i.e. all) of you will agree, while others will probably want to add many more to this list.  In any case, here ya go!

New Year’s Eve/Day – I honestly HATE New Years.  What the hell are we celebrating? I mean, not to be a Debbie Downer, but are we that excited to start another, most likely, shitty year?  New Years in America has been celebrated as just a reason to get super drunk for more money than it usually takes.  And I hate the weeks leading up to NYE when everyone is calling and emailing each other talking about “what are we doing for new years this year?”  Honestly, New Year's is just a cruel reminder of how fast time goes by and how fast we ruined last year's resolution.    

Groundhog's Day – This day is such nonsense.  The only good thing about this holiday existing was the movie Groundhog’s Day – a Bill Murray classic.  But seriously, what’s the point of this stupid day.  As if a rodent is going to predict when spring is coming?!  You think that if you live in Chicago and that the groundhog fails to see its shadow, that winter will soon be over?! Hell, you think if it DOES see its shadow that winter will be over in 6 weeks? (This is according to folklore and the fact that 6 weeks after February 2 is about March 21, the “technical” beginning of Spring).  You find me someone in a northern state that claims to have spring-like weather starting March 21 with or without the help of a huge rat and I’ll show you a goddamn liar (and an air-rifled groundhog).   If its February 2 in Chicago or any of the northern states for that matter, you don’t need a fat fucking squirrel to tell you that you got about 3 more months of hell. 

Earth Day – OH, Earth Day…how I just love you, dear Earth.  Let me generate awareness of your awesomeness and our careless destruction of your goodness by holding events, concerts and fairs that cause more pollution than environmental benefit.   Here’s an idea for a proper earth day…make every citizen pick up garbage, carpool or walk to work, bath in cold water, do not use electricity……..wait.  Fuck that.

Flag Day – This day is basically a holiday for fair-weather patriots.  For this “day” you are supposed to wave your flag outside your dwelling.  AWESOME!  Flag manufacturers look forward to June 14th every year.  I know I am digressing, but who decides to get into the flag manufacturing business?  Are there lucrative profit margins that I didn’t get the memo about?  What I don’t understand is why people only bust out the stars and stripes just for this day (or small period of time before and after f(l)ag day.  I personally think that if you are willing and proud to wave your flag, do so year-round. 

Labor Day – Why do we get off (well at least most of us with professional, high paying jobs) on the day whose name is synonymous with day of work?  Shouldn’t it be called No Going to Work Day?  Or if you want to get specific, call it “No Work Day”*

*unless you work in retail, restaurants, hospitality, airline, police, fire, etc.


Valentines Day – please refer our inaugural blog post


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