Search This Blog

You Have to be Shoeing Me!


We have all owned or quite possibly, OWN, a pair of ridiculous shoes.  Hell, some of us probably owned a pair of the shoes I'm about to make fun of.  I will say this, if you own or owned more than one pair of the shoe concepts I'm about to ridicule, consider yourself, my friend, nonsensical!

Wooden Clogs – Wooden shoes, huh? ...Wow.   I guess it only makes sense that the Dutch would invent it.  I mean, you have to be high to come up with shoes like this.  Wooden shoes cannot be crafted for comfort.  However, according to Wikipedia, wooden clogs are supposed to be good for the feet.  You know what I think are good for feet?  Anything else.

And as long as we’re on the subject of “clogs”...

Crocs – These fuckers don’t even deserve a picture.  I’ll be honest – when these abortions were invented, I was intrigued.  I couldn’t believe footwear could have been developed by a blind person with several retardations.  I can understand that they are convenient to wear, but that is no excuse.  They match nothing and look uglier than Susan Boyle.  Like their name suggests, they are crocs [of shit].

I’m glad everyone finally realized how ridiculous these shoes (if you can even call them that) really are.  In fact, I can tell you the exact day this happened – November 1, 2007.  Here’s the stock chart to show it:

Platform Flip-Flops – I should really expand this to platform ANYTHING, but these are just stupid.  Whenever I see someone wearing these, I not only feel bad that they are vertically challenged, but also that they are that stupid to buy something so silly.  I can understand you want to be taller, but you really cannot be less discrete about it

Nike Rifts (AKA the Nike Cleft Asshole) – These are the only shoes that I have gone up to strangers and asked them why they bought camel toe shoes.  There is nothing any owner of these shoes can tell me that will make me think that it is ok to have these.  Completely unacceptable – not that they were made, but that they are still on the market.  In the process if putting together this entry, I found footwear that is equally, if not worse.

Vibram Five Fingers – The assholes at Vibram (what kind of name is Vibram) can’t even name their shoes properly.   Five Fingers? You mean toes?   It reminds me of off the boat Asian "restaurateurs" who try and write up their own menus – riddled with spelling and grammar errors.

Lotus Shoes - The requisite to wear these silly little bitches is actually more abhorrent than these awful foot contraptions themselves.  Not sure why anyone would view foot binding as a source of "beauty and pleasure", yet alone shoes that look like they were made from Asian robe material.  If a poor Asian woman is going to be forced to bind her sweet little Asian feet, at least let her rock some sweet Nike Dunks, or if she wants to get fancy, Christian Louboutins. 

Payless ProWings – While ProWings made a slew of knockoff footware, they will forever live in infamy for making fake Reebok Pumps, AKA the ProWings 9153.  I still don’t understand why anyone would wear poorly imitated shoes, because it only draws more ridicule from others.  But what set the ProWings 9153 apart was that they not only were imitation Reebok pumps, but that the “pump” feature itself was not REAL!  I tried so hard to find a picture of these poor-ass excuses for footwear (editor: more time than you spent writing this post), but I realized it made sense that I couldn’t find it.  Whoever owned these $19.95 creations, probably couldn’t afford to take a picture of such a ridiculous shoe.


Post a Comment