The Whole Diet Food Thing

When I read Adam’s post about gross foods, the only one I didn't find funny was the post about Lean Cuisine. Why? Because as a woman, eating diet foods is an unfortunate and permanent part of my life. Adam’s entry made me want to devote a post solely to lo-cal (for some reason, when it comes to food, companies change the word low to “lo” – I guess they think it makes the words look like they're on a diet), low fat, and generally diet foods that are not only ridiculous but usually tasteless, hideous, and/or generally offensive to all the senses.

The McLean Deluxe – Derrrrrrrrr, I like dis berrrrgerrr, derrrrrrr. The McLean was McDonalds’ attempt at a healthy, “low fat” burger. Considering the number of you who have heard of this, I think it’s pretty clear how well this experiment fared. The problem with McLean concept is that the folks at McDonalds had the mistaken belief that someone ordering a hamburger at their restaurant gives a shit about eating healthy. And even if their customers did care, consider this: a McDonald’s cheeseburger has 300 calories and 12grams of fat, while a McLean Deluxe had 340 calories and 12 grams of fat. Hmm… tough to figure out which one people are going to choose there. I’m sure the McDonald’s execs thought that once they got rid of the marketing team who came up with the McLean that things would all be smooth sailing – then along came the Arch Deluxe. Sigh.

The Lemon Juice/Cayenne Pepper/Maple Syrup Drink – This is 100 percent the most heinous drink/diet plan/”recipe” ever to be conceived by man. For those lucky few of you who aren’t familiar with this fad, it’s basically just the three aforementioned ingredients mixed together, drunk as a replacement for meal for 3-5 days, until you achieve your desired weight or until you pass out from hunger, whichever comes first. If any of you saw the episode of The Office where they do Dunder Mifflin’s “Biggest Loser” and Kelly Kapur falls on the floor, it’s because she was on this diet. That episode provided a rather accurate description, actually; not just of the effects of this diet, but of the general retardation of any person who thinks that ridiculous fad diets like lemon juice and syrup is the way to lose real weight. Also, remember when Toby touches Pam’s knee then freaks out and jumps the fence? Yeah, that was funny. Wait, what? Sorry, I only ate grapefruit and fat free whipped cream today… what was I saying?

Tofutti – I hate to do this because I know that for “lactards”, Tofutti is a gift from heaven that allows them to eat versions of ice cream, cream cheese, and other white creamy deliciousness that they would otherwise never get to savor. If you are one such lactard, move to the next item, as I don’t wish to ruin the only lacto-joy that you have in your lives. Now that it’s just those of us who are able to digest cow products, let’s be honest; this shit is beyond nasty. The Toffuti-cheese is the sad, deformed, inbred offspring of cream cheese – it tastes like a sponge that’s been soaked in breast milk and put through a blender. No diet on the planet would make me want to eat this – except for maybe the lemon drink diet (see above).

Reduced Fat Smartfood – So as a woman, I have come to truly embrace the “lesser” versions of most foods. I’ve fully convinced both my brain and my stomach that fro-yo is as good as ice cream, that Diet Coke is far superior to regular, and that turkey comes in no other form besides 99% fat free. However, I absolutely draw the line at reduced fat Smartfood. (Sidenote – for those of you who don't know what the term Smartfood means: it’s only the most delicious, fabulous, finger-dirtying white cheddar popcorn everrr…GOSH!) Here’s an analogy to demonstrate how incredibly inferior the reduced fat version is compared to the original: Reduced Fat Smartfood : Smartfood :: Cinemax late night softcore : HD porn. There’s just no contest.

Seitan – No that's not a picture of roast uncircumcised cock, its SEITAN! This product is so nasty that their selling point/tagline is: “Seitan – the Vegetarian Wheat Meat”. Wheat and Meat should have zero connection with one another aside from the fact that they rhyme. And why would you want to name a product that sounds like a fancier way of saying “satan”. I don’t want to eat satan, do you?

I just can’t imagine what the demand is for a product such as this. There is tofu everything and fish burgers and stuff like that. If you’re gonna eat wheat, I’m pretty sure it should be in the form of “rolls” or “loaves” or something else that can be covered with jam. Just looking at a picture of Seitan evokes memories of the mystery meat-like ingredients at the mall’s Panda Express… and of the ensuing stomach disrupt that caused you to run from Express/Structure doubled over with pain.

“California” Versions of Food – Restaurants, particularly diners, have honed “California” as a code word for the “healthful” option. What “California” typically means is that all carbs are removed from the plate, and the protein, no matter what it is, is topped with a gigantic ice cream scoop of cottage cheese. Mmmm, appetizing. The most disgusting iteration of the “California” dish is the hamburger version – looking at it is enough to make one want to go kosher forever. The worst part is that people eat this hideous dish, thinking that they are being extremely healthy – but there are between 150 and 200 calories in a cup of cottage cheese and 120 calories in 2 slices of Kraft American cheese. I think the only thing “California” in which I'm going to partake is having an unhealthy addiction to Britney Spears – and even that is terminable if she goes back to her “over-160-pounds-I-love-cheetos- and- I'm wearing- a-shoe-as-a-hat” crazy period.